Face Off: Religion in schools

Preacher preacher, fifth grade teacher

By Eric Lorenz
Editor-in-Chief

I just found out that American students regularly test well below the rest of the world in almost every academic discipline imaginable. That’s right – American students. I was initially overcome with emotion upon hearing the news, but when the crying jags finally subsided, all that was left was the rage.

America, the same country that produces apple pie, Budweiser and finely-tuned German automobiles, is bringing up the world’s rear when it comes to education. We’ve fallen so far that even those Helsinki-living, reindeer-eating, hockey-playing sauna-ites in Finland are looking down on us.

Sure it’s easy to sway the education rankings when tests for Finnish kids include short-answer questions about the best way to catch herring, but we’re asking questions involving things like math and science and English. I mean, come on; when is anyone actually going to use these things in real life? Instead of embarrassing our kids by making them do things they can’t do – like read – we should be playing to our kids’ strengths just like other countries are playing to theirs.

But, alas, we are prevented from doing so because once again, the likes of John Adams, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison rear their ugly heads in the form of a piece of paper called The Constitution. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, I’ll explain. Apparently, the three men were sitting around drinking , listening to Jefferson go on about how great Sally Hemmings was in the sack, when Adams, in a drunken stupor, scrawled something into a table with his knife. Madison, still reeling from his eighth whiskey, read it and decided to include it in the final version of The Constitution. And that, folks, is why we have separation of church and state.

But those simple little words have since fated generations to a sub-par education. I mean, really, how could we expect our kids to have a prayer of catching up with other countries in the classroom when the hall monitors won’t even let God on the premises?

Luckily, it’s not too late to right this wrong and bring religion back into the classroom. After all, we already have Sunday school. Would it really be that difficult to extend that to Monday school? And Tuesday school?

For those who are skeptical, the Bible has all sorts of educational benefits for young minds. You say kids need math? Fine. They’ll get plenty of math counting the Ten Commandments. You want your kid to be able to read? Then the Bible is for you. It’s chock full of pages and words that your kid can read over and over. And science? I can safely predict that a Bible-based science class will soar to the top of the world’s rankings in no time. After all, how long can you lag behind other countries when the answer to every question is “God did it”?

But there’s more. Geography? Students will learn all about famous historical sites as they trace the route taken by Paul, who changed his name to Saul, on the road to Damascus. Spelling? Students will be winning all sorts of spelling bees after correctly spelling the word “Methuselah.” History? Religion spans all six thousand years of history. Can’t get much more thorough than that.

When the students go to music class, they can sing Hallelujah. When students go to P.E., the one who behaved the best will be rewarded by casting the first dodgeball at the student who behaved the worst. In art class, students can draw, paint and sculpt Jesus fish.

The list goes on and on. Nap time becomes prayer time. Snack time becomes the Eucharist. School plays become Bible stories. Just imagine how proud you’d be to see your son wearing a crown of thorns as he portrays the crucifixion. Take that, Jim Caviezel!

And if students do decide to act out in class, religion has that covered too. Little Bobby won’t dare throw his Magic Marker at little Susie when he knows he’ll face losing that hand. And no more being sent to the principal’s office. From now on, students will be sent outside to wander the school sandbox just like the Israelites.

Not to mention the environmental benefit religion in schools would have. Instead of printing multiple textbooks, each student would simply get a Bible, which would mean fewer trees would need to be cut down. Also, think of how much electricity would be saved if, instead of fluorescent lights, each student read by candelabra.

And I think we’re all overlooking the real-world applications that the Bible provides in terms of possible career paths. Shepherd, carpenter, innkeeper, ark-builder, Goliath-slayer, savior – all laid out, step by step, for anyone to follow.

Plus, consider how popular a Bible-based magician would be. Multiply some fish, cure the blind, raise the dead and you’d have an heir apparent to Criss Angel (Christ Angel anyone?).

Face it, school and religion go together like cafeteria chicken nuggets and the blood of Christ. And, as if this argument needed one last bit of support, with religion in schools, people would finally understand the meaning behind those John 3:16 signs they hold up at sporting events. I think that says it all.

In the Name of the Father, Son and Holy Principal

By Michael Marcinko
Columnist

Oh heavenly Father, please smote the hell out of your followers for making them think that their way of living is the only way of living. And when you smite them, oh heavenly Father, use the back of your hand like the pimps do on Van Buren, yea verily. Make them realize that if they bring religion into public schools, two things will certainly happen: First, every public school would turn into a private school, and second, since religion is now allowed, all religions will have to be taken into consideration. That’s right; every religion currently and formerly practiced on Earth will have to be included in the discussion.

So that means that when you send your kids to learn about George Washington and long division, they will also be learning about Scientology and Galactic Lord Xenu, and that’s just the beginning. Next, instead of learning about Shakespeare, the children will be educated about Joseph Smith and Mormonism. Art class is gone too, replaced by a look into Judaism. Gym class just got replaced by Islam. And recess is now the paganism and its role in the life of ancient Greece, Rome, and England. Yep, gone are the days of actually learning facts and figures. They are now replaced by this god, and that god, and those gods, and those goddesses, and the flying spaghetti monster.

But instead of learning all that religious crap, the children would be taking so many days off because of religious holidays that they wouldn’t learn a damn thing. Basically, children would be less intelligent than they were during the Dark Ages. Well class, we were supposed to learn about Zeus today, but half of you are celebrating the resurrection of some landscaper named Jesus. And when that half comes back from eating eggs and playing with bunnies, both pagan symbols I might add, the other half will be out observing some other quasi-religious day where you starve yourself during the day or you rearrange your chi or you sit cross-legged praying to a sacred cow that some other kids would call a steak with legs.

Leaving religion out of public schools will be the keystone to saving the American way of life. If you want your children to believe that God, or Allah, or Yahweh created everything, then send their butts to a private school and leave the critical thinking to the students at public schools. I went to a private school up until the sixth grade, and I got into trouble almost every single day because I asked questions. You see, at private schools, one cannot ask questions or even question the authority of your teachers or the Almighty unless you want to burn in the fires of whatever hell you believe in. At least in Phoenix, the children already know what Hell feels like so they will be fine if they go there.

In private schools, the answer to every single question is “God did it.” Not gravity or magnetism or anything that requires a student to actually think for himself. Actually, who would be the principal in one of these schools? If every single religion thinks that its way of worshiping is the only way, then how can anything actually get taught at the school? Christianity, Islam, and Judaism all worship the same God, but – and a really big but – they all call Him a different name and worship Him differently. So how, if those three religions cannot agree on anything, can any other religion, including Scientology, be worth being included into the curriculum at public schools? The answer is not God, but a gigantic there is no way that it can ever happen. I know George Bush would love his pal Jesus teaching him how to run a country like a big boy, but that’s why there are brainwashing, ahem, sorry, private schools all over this country.

Would there be a Pledge of Allegiance or just a pledge to 2,000 different gods and goddess? “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America … one nation under (fill in the blank), indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.” Every time children would get to that part, it would sound like a bunch of noise because every kid would be saying some other god or gods. The Romans had it right when they built the Pantheon. They left a spot open for the “unknown” god amongst all the gods just in case they forgot one.

I think the main question is who would actually be the principal? Tom Cruise? Pope Benedict? The Dalai Lama? A rabbi or an imam? I would vote for Tom Cruise. After his performance in Tropic Thunder, I would believe any crap coming out of his mouth … except that he is straight, but that’s another story. And what about the lunch menu? Would it be kosher? Do the children not eat meat on Fridays? Do they fast during Ramadan? Can I sacrifice some children to Kali over my curry paste?

Instead of making the children lag behind the rest of the world when it comes to education by adding religion in public schools, how about we just keep the system as it is – separate. If you want your kids to be brain-dead zombies praying to some apparition or statue, so be it. And if you want your kids to use their brains the right way, so be it as well. Just as long as God keeps his hands out of public schools, the country will benefit immensely.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above do not represent the views of Arizona State University, West Times or the writers themselves. Please, do not sue.